Now, Emily is at the precipice of a major life decision she plans to make in front of millions of people on national television thereby preserving the sanctity of marriage.
In Curaçao, Jef shows up to meet the parents looking like a greaser from The Outsiders—white t-shirt and blue jeans and that hair. Why, hello, Ponyboy Curtis!
Interrogations begin with Emily’s mother. A lone light bulb swings above them as Jef reaffirms he is ready to parent Ricky Bobby even though he knows nothing about the child as if good parenting rises strictly out of desire.
Emily’s brother emasculates Jef by valorizing Emily’s ex-fiance, may he rest in peace. Jef confesses he’s never been as in love with a girl. The brother is not convinced but he has a serious haircut. They hug it out like men.
Jef asks for Emily’s father’s approval to propose and after an awkward pause, and only a couple hours of knowing the guy, her father is totally fine with it. Modern parenting! Modern love!
It’s Arie’s turn to meet the parents. Emily’s father is not even sure why they’re meeting another guy. Arie chatters nervously as Emily’s family stares at him contemptuously. He breaks out the big guns—a small wooden box with the roses Emily has given him.
Arie charms Emily’s mother but the brother accuses Arie of being a “smooth talker.” He wants to know if Arie is more invested in winning or being with Emily. Arie talks a good game and brings up, a second time, that he dated a single mother before because single mothers are all the same, apparently. The brother softens. Weakling.
Alone with Emily’s father, Arie’s face shines even brighter but he is steady. He whips out the phrase, “She’s the love of my life.” He asks and receives her father’s blessing to propose. As he leaves, Arie is pretty cocky. He basically grins at the camera, thinking, “Nailed it!”
Emily turns to her family to make this important, life-altering decision for her. They pull a Switzerland.
Jef and Emily sit on a beach and Emily is acting strange and she is stressed. Jef remarks that he hasn’t met Ricky Bobby yet and Emily says, “It’s a big decision,” and overall, their conversation is mind numbing and forces you to wonder how on earth anyone could fall in love under these circumstances. Jef drops a new metaphor to force Emily’s hand about Ricky Bobby. It’s tense. The couple is at an impasse until they aren’t because Jef and the producers get their way—the meeting will happen. As they walk away from the beach, they abandon their belongings.
Existential question—if you leave a blanket and tote on the beach, will it ever be found?
When Jef meets Ricky Bobby, he asks her for a high-five perpetuating the idea that the high-five is the universe language of children. They babble and play house and Jef is ecstatic. This tableau of domestic bliss drags on. Jef acts like he has had the best day of his life. Clearly, Jef has bigger problems than his hair and the spelling of his name.
Emily shows up at Jef’s door that evening, the harlot. They engage in more sad conversation. There is still no chemistry. After a chaste kiss, Jef offers Emily a sacrifice, I mean, present—a book about Curaçao to preserve their memories, only he has defaced the book with stick figures on some of the pages. Emily makes a quick exit after that because it is a terrible gift and we all know it.
The next morning, Emily is at peace but has been thinking a great deal. When she answers the door, it is Chris Harrison. This does not bode well. Emily reveals that she’s made her decision. She wants to tell Arie she’s fallen in love with someone else “a little bit more,” which is what every man wants to hear when he has told the entire world that same woman is the love of his life. Emily cries and so do I because I’m Team Arie all the way.
Ominous music plays as Emily tells us about her own broken heart and how she knows she is blind siding beautiful Arie. Arie meets a local woman to make a love potion from flowers and he keeps talking about how in love he is and how he’s going to be engaged tomorrow and it’s all very cruel to watch him being open and gorgeous and in love.
Emily takes the longest walk in the history of walks, sniffling prettily as she meets Arie. They hug and kiss and he gives her his love potion and finally she utters those fateful words, “We need to talk.” She breaks down and it’s so awkward and painful you are inclined to watch from between your fingers. Arie quickly realizes what’s going on and then it’s very awkward silence and Emily crying and Arie trying to grapple with this new reality as his bloody heart beats slowly on the ground.
Emily keeps crying as Arie basically walks away and she runs after him. He is polite but chilly and slams the door when he gets into his SUV. He starts crying and looking so pretty and women across America shout at their televisions about how they will happily console Arie and his broken… heart, by giving him a good reason to cry sex tears.
Jef picks a ring and both Emily and Jef talk about FEELINGS to the producers. When the big moment arrives, Emily stands in another of Vanna White’s hideous Grecian dresses, the wind blowing her ruffles. Jef is wearing a skinny suit and skinny tie and “feeling great.” Emily muses that she’s unsure about getting engaged because she doesn’t want to be the girl who gets engaged fifteen times, always a fiancée, never a bride.
When the couple sees each other they play compliment tennis, volleying kind words until Emily takes the lead and professes her love and Jef is thrilled and Emily is thrilled. Jef starts talking about his feelings and so on and finally, he gets down on one knee and proposes because he’s asking a “forever thing”. Emily says yes, and he puts a big, sparkling diamond on her finger and they kiss more. The show ends with Peter Cetera’s “Glory of Love,” and a montage of the couple’s greatest, televised moments and Ricky Bobby appearing and the three of them walking into the sunset on Curaçao.
There are three small consolations—Emily seems happy, Arie is maybe available and tomorrow, we have “Bachelor Pad.”
What did you think? Did she make the right choice? Leave your thoughts in the comments.
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